In the cold winter evening my burning home is my comfort,
the sick trees with their cold shivering branches look on.
It was not always this way, I was not always this hurt,
I still remember our first sleepless conversation until dawn.
The first time you asked me to buy you a better bed,
and I half smiled and you understood me plain and clear,
you smiled back and said, “you needn’t turn so red”,
now in the flames, our nest must be burning my dear.
I still remember the first time you saw that house up yonder,
and said so sweetly, “who needs a house that big and bold”,
I thought to my myself, “what did I do to deserve you I wonder”.
Why did you have to go, why did you leave me standing in the cold?
I remember the first time you held my hand, and lead me upstairs,
you were so excited about something, and I followed like a fool,
I closed my eyes, because you asked me to, indeed fools come in pairs,
I felt the roof beneath my feet, and the night air so cool,
you were over joyed about something, but how could I notice,
you were with me then and there, and that was my entire world,
I finally opened my eyes, because you told me to with a kiss,
and I still remember the northern lights on the sky unfurled.
There is our home my darling, here I am, where are you?
In the flames burn our pictures, the big one with our newborn,
I told you we would have another one, you knew it was true,
you always blamed me for his death, yet I was equally torn.
I still remember our first anniversary after our child’s death,
I made you dinner, I lit the candles and waited for you hopefully,
those two hours were eternal, but I waited holding my breath,
I called the doctor, and he told me you had behaved wonderfully,
that was why they let you go home, a whole two hours early!
My throat went dry, knees went numb, and look how the telephone breaks,
grabbed the house keys with fingertips, look at the snowflakes so pearly,
Why didn’t you come home that night, it was a perfect dinner for Gods sake!
I cut the rope of the branch, and I loosened the noose,
I still remember you were wearing my favorite perfume,
I kissed your frozen lips and broken neck and refused
to let you go, but then dead flowers never bloom.
I tried living on without you, but really its never the same,
I never knew what to do or when, I only ever knew how to love you,
the northern lights called, and the frozen skies came,
it never made sense to me, you were the only reason it did make few.
I still remember the first time you said you felt cold in our home,
you always complained the fire was never big enough for us,
that it was really I who warmed you and made this house a home,
today for the first time I felt cold, without you, without us.
So I decided to pour all the gasoline we bought the first winter,
the lighter I bought from the gas station that one time,
it never really lit a cigarette, just candles for me and her,
this time I used it to commit the most heinous of crimes,
but before I decided to say goodbye to everything we built,
I stood at the front door, for a moment to recall,
and everything came rushing in, everything without any guilt,
our child, our home, our memories, our fall,
but that one moment, the one I wanted most to remember,
it ended there, that first time you made snow angels in December.
I dropped that flame on the wet floor, the wet floor,
the footprints you made while rushing from the shower,
everything burned, for the last time I passed the door,
I’m sorry my love, your loss was too mighty a tower.
I hope you’ll never say that you’re feeling cold my dear,
look! I burned an entire house just for you, don’t cry,
no, no, no, I mean a home, yes a home, now its clear,
the thick smoke rising under the wide northern sky.